There are moments that mark your life ( Part 3 )

After I had slept for a little  while  (at  the Budget Suites off Jupiter and Kingsley in Garland) I got some food at the Waffle House around the corner. It is amazing  how I remember, in detail, what I ordered. I selected the Patty Melt with Fries and a Coke . To this day, that is my favorite thing to eat at Waffle House. Food can be comforting, and maybe it was the only comforting thing at that crazy  time  in my life. When I think about going to that Waffle House and making small talk with the waitress, the feelings that wash over me are ones of comfort and normalcy. The rest of the world was still revolving although my world was falling apart.  I am very grateful for that because everything else was so chaotic and out of control. Having a regular conversation with a waitress assured me that all could return to normal. They looked at me and saw a normal girl ordering and eating a Patty Melt and a Coke. It gave me a strange sense of hope.

After I ate. I drove to south Dallas to pick up my rent. Frank was able to give me half of it, so I could finally relax. The next thing I did was call an attorney. I didn’t have a clue what that would cost and I didn’t even know if I needed representation. What I needed was advice. He called Rockwall and, as far as he knew, there was not a warrant for my arrest, or at least it was not yet public. He said they probably had one “in their pocket” and would arrest me. He advised me to stay out of Rockwall. He really wouldn’t offer more advice until I could retain him, for a cost of $5,000, which I did not have. I had about $600 in my pocket, but I needed that to pay for my room and to live on. Being a drug addict, I also I wanted and needed drugs. I gave him $200 as a down payment and left, not sure what to do, or where to go.

My next stop, sadly enough, was to see my dealer. I was nervous because I didn’t know if they knew my husband had been arrested. If they did, I didn’t think they would sell me any drugs (it was about me and my needs; the selfish mind of the addict). They would be scared that my husband was going to turn them in. But when I called it all seemed “normal", and when I went by, I could tell they didn’t know anything. I left shortly after and went back to my motel room. I tried to call my kids, CPS had given custody to my husband’s parents. Crying, I begged to be able to talk to them but they wouldn’t let me. They kept telling me to turn myself in. I told them I didn’t have a warrant, but it didn’t matter; I was not allowed any contact. I hung up the phone, I was extremely worried about my kids; they must have been so very scared. I remember the four of us sitting in my car as they described the conversation  with the CPS investigator the week prior. I hugged each of them and promised nothing bad was going to happen. I promised it was going to be okay. But my promises were empty. I could not stop the drug abuse. I was too weak, and now CPS had come and taken them out of school in front of their friends. It must have been horrible. Alexis and Sammy were so young; I don’t know what they must have thought. Hailey, my oldest and in 6^th grade at the time, describes that as the worst moment of her life. She was crying uncontrollably, because her world was rocked to its core. The addiction had such a grip on me. I watched as Hailey withdrew into isolation. My little girl, who was once outgoing and full of life, was slowly crawling into a shell because of me.  I did not have the power within me to stop doing drugs. That is what addiction does, it overpowers you. It takes control of your life.

I love my children more than anything, but I was helpless to my addiction. I was too proud and too scared to admit that I had a problem. On April 19^th, my addiction robbed me of everything that I loved, valued, and held dearly in life. Sadly, it was going to get a whole lot worse before it got any better.

It had been a very long weekend and I was basically on the run. My kids were gone (thankfully CPS turned them over to my husband’s parents), my husband was locked up with no chance for bond, and I was too scared to call my Dad.  I was all alone in a motel room not knowing what to do. It was the most desperate and alone I have ever felt in my entire life.

(to be continued)