The moments that mark your life ( Part 4 )

I had been calling in sick to work and I knew I had to do something different. I couldn’t continue hiding. It was Tuesday April 24, 2001; I had been on the run for 6 days.  After I used the automated system to get a substitute teacher I sat on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands.  Sobbing uncontrollably I began to entertain thoughts of ending my life. I couldn’t see a way out of this mess. There was such shame and hopelessness and the thought of others finding out who I had become terrified me, I hated myself.  Taking a deep breath I tried to calm down and catch my breath just wishing that I had someone to call who loved me, who cared about me, but I was alone. I missed my sister Kathey so badly.

As I thought of Kathey , my rock , my anchor,  the heart wrenching sobs began again and continued until I was exhausted still sitting on the side of that bed in that trashy motel. I laid on my back and looked at the dirty ceiling trying to make a plan trying to stop the voices in my head that kept mocking me, screaming  “Everyone will be better off if you're dead” ,  “You're worthless”, "There is no way out of this". The voices were eerily familiar- taunting, accusing. They were the same voices I heard after momma died. They were dark and demonic, I put my hands on each side of my head pressing as hard as I could,  hoping I could silence them.   

Finally I sat up and mustered up the courage to make a phone call and for some reason called the Garland Independent School District’s benefits office. To this day I can’t remember who I talked to, but she was an angel sent from God. Crying, in desperation, I told her I was in a lot of trouble with the police, on drugs, and I didn’t know what to do. The pain, fear, and desperation could be heard in my voice.   She told me, in the kindest, gentlest voice, to calm down, because that was what she was there for. She suggested I check into Baylor Richardson Hospital to be assessed, reminding me that I had insurance that I should access. She told me things were going to get better. She asked that I please not do anything drastic. I think she was crying too, because she was scared for me and for what I might do to myself. She then offered to call my school’s principal and tell him what was happening. Relief flooded my body because she didn’t judge me, she didn’t think I was horrible, she just knew I was in trouble and needed help. I needed her and her reaction more than anything that day. To be honest, I don’t know what I would have done if she hadn’t been so kind. I never thought I would consider suicide, because I saw what my brother’s suicide did to my family but I was entertaining those thoughts because I was completely without hope that day. It has been said man can live forty days without food about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope. My seconds were slowly counting down until she spoke life to me , relighting the smoldering wick of hope that was almost snuffed out.  On my own I couldn’t see a way out. I didn’t want people to see the real me and what I had become. I was covered in shame and did not feel I could face anyone. Look anyone in the eye. But she looked past all that and treated me with love and respect. I have thought about her often and her impact on my life that day. It was huge. I strive to treat everyone I come into contact with the same way she treated me that day. I fail sometimes, but the burning memory of the despair I felt that morning is always warm in my heart. When she treated me with love and acceptance, it gave me hope. Isn’t it amazing how a little kindness and love changed a potentially tragic situation? It takes so little to be loving and kind. I took her advice and drove straight to Baylor Richardson.

(to be continued)