The moments that mark your life ( Part 5)

I parked my silver Toyota Camry in the parking lot of the emergency room and took a deep breath. My car was a mess because I had basically been on the run, going from motel to motel. I had not been back to my home since the drug bust went down, so throughout the weekend I had to buy clothes, personal hygiene products, food, drinks, etc. I had to buy everything because I had walked out of Lakeview Centennial High School on April 19^th with only my purse. I sat in my car, trying to muster up the courage to walk in  the hospital and announce that I was a drug addict, a fact I had never admitted before that day. As I looked through my car, I picked up the plastic baggie that had traces of Meth left in it and just stared at it. Thoughts began to creep in and finally bombard my mind: “do the rest of the drugs”, “go ride around and finish what you have then come back”, to  “throw the drugs away and check into that hospital”. Again, I took a deep shuttered breath, and placed the baggie into a paper sack I had from McDonalds and got out of my car.  Slowly I walked to a barrel that was set under a tree and paused , looking at the bag one last time before shoving it  deep into the hospital trash , turning quickly I ran into the hospital emergency room. Breaking down into tears, I told the lady in the admission’s office that I was a drug addict, and I needed help .

I was admitted into the hospital and assessed . I was sent to the fourth floor, for patients dealing with substance abuse issues as well as mental problems. I was so scared, but I was also relieved, in a way, I had finally surrendered.

Almost every bed on the fourth floor was occupied and there was a dayroom with fruit and juice for the patients. As I wandered into the dayroom I glanced around at the other people. There was one lady sitting alone and shaking involuntarily,  at random times she would swat at the air in front of her as if there was something there but it was only air. She had a haggard look that I recognized was from extreme alcohol abuse. A tear rolled down my cheek as I remembered my mother hallucinating and  swatting at the imaginary spiders . During those episodes I would have to rush her to a hospital much like the one where I was now a patient. She looked like my mother did before she died. It had been almost 22 years since mother passed . I swallowed hard at the irony that I wasn’t really any different than my mom. As I turned to return to my room I  caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and shuddered slightly. . I looked so tired and worn, I turned quickly so I wouldn’t have to look at myself. Walking out of the dayroom I smiled at the lady  sadly, my heart broke for both of us,  but she just stared off into space.

After returning to my room I sat down rubbing my eyes hoping I could finally get some much needed rest. But before I could do that there was a phone call I needed to make. It was a phone call I dreaded but I had to let my dad know what was going on. There was no one else to call. All of the sudden I felt extremely alone. Picking up the phone I tried repeatedly to make the call but I just couldn’t do it. The thought of his reaction,  his anger , his disappointment, and ultimately his criticism was too much. I took the easy way out and  called his ex-wife and told her what had happened. She said she would let him know.

Finally I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep hoping that I would wake up and this would all be a nightmare. Hoping  I would wake up and it would be the morning of  April 19 and I would  be able to hug Hailey, Alexis , and Sammy and get them ready for school.  But I woke hours later  to the sounds of  a patient screaming and I realized I  was still a patient in the mental ward of Baylor Richardson. When I was released I got into my silver Camry and drove to my fathers house. It was a long drive to Rockwall and I was so scared to come face to face with him. But I had no where else to go and I had no one else to turn to.