The moments that mark your life ( Part 2 )

It was about 2:00 in the afternoon, so I knew it wouldn’t be long until my kids got out of school. I was so frightened and didn’t know what to do.  I needed to confirm where my husband was, so I stopped to use a pay phone.  I called the Rockwall County Jail and asked if a Warner Washington was being held.  They said, “Yes” and started listing off the charges. The list was long and manufacturing meth was one of the charges. I knew what I had been told was true. Unnerved, I hung up the phone and returned to my car. Driving around aimlessly, I decided to go to Rockwall and pick up my kids from school.  My thoughts were, “I wasn’t at the house so how could I be charged?” Driving into the city limits and, toward the school, was terrifying but I continued on my way. As I approached the intersection where 205 and Ridge Road/740 split, I pulled into the parking lot of the 7-Eleven and parked. There was a battle raging within me: I needed to get rid of the drugs I had, but the addict within me was stronger than anything else (the mother, wife, teacher…) and was in complete control.  I couldn’t …no, wouldn’t - throw the drugs away. But I didn’t want them on me when I went to pick up the kids.  I hid them in the phone booth outside the 7-Eleven, planning to retrieve them later. I pulled away and started for the school, but I was scared…terrified, that I was at any minute about to be arrested.  I did what any good drug addict would do:  I decided to go back and get my drugs, do the drugs, and then I would decide what my step would be. (This is so hard to admit but I was more worried about my drugs than anything else. That is how strong and debilitating addiction can be.)  Driving back to 7-Eleven, I got my stuff and left Rockwall. I was running out of time. I knew my kids were going to be getting out of school, and there was going to be no one to get them. I drove up 66 and stopped at the Eckerd’s Drugstore on 66 and Rowlett Road to use the phone again. I knew CPS was investigating us because the kids had been interviewed at school. I had been in contact with CPS but didn’t keep my appointment, so I decided to call the investigator. When the investigator got on the phone, she informed me that CPS had already been to the school and my children were in their custody. When CPS stopped by our home earlier that day for a home visit, my husband was being arrested. My children were currently in the custody of Child Protective Services.  I was then informed that I needed to turn myself in because I, too, had a warrant for my arrest.  

Shaking uncontrollably and not knowing what to do, I put the phone back on the hook and left the store.  My kids were gone, my husband locked up, I had no money, and nowhere to go.  I got in my car, finished what drugs I had, and drove around trying to come up with a plan.

As time had passed and I spiraled into my drug addiction, all my friendships had changed. There was a group of girls (Peri, Leah, Melanie, Cheri ,….) that I had been close friends with since kindergarten. Over the years, we had always remained in touch.  But as my addiction worsened, I distanced myself from these girls because they weren’t living the life I was living.  My circle of so-called friends at the time were all drug addicts like myself. Friendships based on drugs do not run very deep. Don’t get me wrong, I am not judging anyone, we were just a group of lost people addicted to drugs. I don’t know any of their stories, but I am sure they are filled with pain and dysfunction, just like mine. Addiction is so very deceptive and cunning: I would do a mental checklist to see how I was doing compared to my new friends. I always came out on top: I had a job, I graduated from college as well as high school, I had a car, I had children, etc.

My thinking was so skewed; I had tricked myself into rationalizing my addiction. Remembering back, though, it makes sense. I was just that “off”.

I owned some land on old South Central Expressway that I inherited from my grandfather.  I rented it to someone who used it for an Auto Salvage Yard. I rented another building to a man who worked on cars. I needed money now, and rent wasn’t due until the first of May, but I thought I might be able to get it early.  I decided to make a call. Frank, who ran the auto salvage yard. He told me I could come out the next day and he would pay me. I heaved a sigh of relief at the thought of  getting early money. Now, all I needed to worry about was that night and where I was going to stay. I was in Rowlett so I decided to stop by Cheri’s house.  To be honest, I don’t know what I told her was going on with me, but I she allowed me to stayed and make a few phone calls. I then went to Melanie’s house, but she was not home, so I just started driving again. I ended up driving around all night long. I have never been homeless, but the feeling  I had that night was horrible. I wondered if this feeling was what the homeless felt constantly.  There was nowhere to go  and the only family member left at the time was my dad.  I was too scared to call him, so I just wandered aimlessly, driven by fear and feeling so hopelessly alone in the world.  (This is another lie I deal, especially since the death of my Dad. I believe that I am alone in this world.)  Very early on Friday morning, I stopped by Melanie’s house again, and she was a life saver. I wasn’t honest with her about what was going on, because I was a drug addict, and drug addicts lie,  I was honest about needing help and a place to stay. She gave me some money, and I got a motel room, finally laying down to rest. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically spent. There was nothing left.