Proverbs 20:24 The LORD directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?

Proverbs 20:24

New Century Version (NCV)  ²⁴ The Lord decides what a person will do;   no one understands what his life is all about.

New Living Translation (NLT) ²⁴ The LORD directs our steps,   so why try to understand everything along the way?

I believe in the sovereignty of God without a doubt. Something happened the other day that was just a God thing, it is awesome when we get to see God at work because many times it is behind the scenes ( he is always working ) and we just don’t realize it. We may see it in hindsight or it may be when we get to Heaven but he is always at work .

After leaving Wilshire Baptist Church on Sunday I drove to work. Since I left the church at 11:00 I decided to take the  toll way because I needed to be in my office by 11:45 and the way I normally goes takes over an hour. The toll way was awesome and I was at  the intersection of El Dorado by 11:30 so I decided to run into Market Street and get some lunch then head to the office.

It was a CRAZY busy day !!! Jeff was in Paloma Creek so I was by myself, I don’t think I even got to  sit down until about 5:00 to start going over the leads that came through the model. It was such a relief to sit down and kick off my shoes for a moment, of course the only day I wear very high heeled shoes I stand for an hour sharing my testimony and then run around all day at work showing our inventory homes, but it was a blessing to be so busy and hopefully one of the leads will turn into a sale : )

As I was entering one of the leads into our system I heard the door open and I look at the screen where the camera is projected and saw a man walk into the model. I put on my shoes  and stood up to greet him and welcome him to Horizon Homes. He shook my hand and asked if Jeff was available . I told him Jeff was in Paloma and I wasn’t sure if he would make it here or not. There was something about this man that made me think he might work for Highland so I just asked him point blank. He said “no” but that he had been interviewing with them  and was just checking out the area, the drive, etc. One of his good friends knew Jeff so he wanted to stop in and say hello.

Relaxing somewhat I sat down and we just began to talk about this business, the different locations, major thoroughfares, nearby shopping etc. He made the comment that it was almost necessary to drive the toll ways and I told him that I normally didn’t because it was just too expensive but that I had taken the toll way that day because I had shared my testimony at a church and was strapped for time. As I said the word testimony the look on his face changed and he said  “ What is your testimony ?”

Startled somewhat by the bluntness of his question and not sure how deep I should go into my story I just skimmed the surface revealing that I had experienced some major loss and made some very poor decisions that I had to pay a very high price for.  But through all of that pain I found a relationship with Jesus Christ and He transformed my life. I am VERY open and transparent and I have shared my whole story at work many times but only when I have felt prompted by God and this happened so fast I couldn’t really hear God’s voice so I held back.  I felt somewhat convicted that I held back and I wasn’t sure what to do .

We continued to talk and he started to share a little bit about himself, some loss he had experienced ( his wife who was his high school sweetheart died of cancer ) and some other things he had gone through. As he was talking I felt the prompt from God to share everything about my life, when God prompts me strongly I feel it physically. It is so hard to describe but my heart rate increases and I feel a type of  strong pressure from within that I have to say what God wants me to say or I am going to burst. That is the only way I can describe it. So I looked at this man and said let me tell you a little more about my story and I told him everything then handed him the Wylie Newspaper Article that had been sitting on the desk between us.

As he picked it up he looked at my picture from when I was a cheerleader and told me his late wife was also  a cheerleader and graduated in 1979 from a big school in Oklahoma. He then said somewhat sadly that I reminded him of her in a way, he had graduated from that same school in 1978. Minutes later a couple entered the model so I got up to greet them and as I looked back at him he was reading the article about my life.

I think my story took him by surprise somewhat and he was very moved by God’s grace and mercy in my life. For some reason I felt led to tell him about how I had been able to share my faith in this office  and the office in Woodbridge. I shared with him the story of the probation officer who was looking to buy a home from us in Woodbridge and how I felt that strong prompt from God to share my life and when I did she began to cry because her brother( who was a college graduate and an executive at Dell computer ) was hooked on methamphetamine and he had lost everything and she as a PO had NEVER seen anyone successfully get off of meth, she told me through tears she believed God placed us together that day so she would have hope for her brother. ( I am still brought to tears when I think of that story ).

He then smiled and told me he had been praying to God for an answer about this job change. New Home Sales would be a completely new field for him and what he liked to do the most was meet people, learn their stories and  to hopefully speak encouragement into their lives. He had just prayed to God to answer him to see if this was a field he could do that in, then he walked into the office hoping to meet Jeff but met me instead : )))

God directed his steps that day and he directed mine encouraging me to take that toll way after sharing my testimony and speak of it to this stranger. Our interaction ended up being an answer to his prayer. Then he told me the Holy Spirit was telling him to tell me to write my book and finish it!! He had the gift of encouragement and he told me I was a light bearer and to keep shining my light and telling my story of God’s Grace, Hope, and Power because there are many in this world who need to hear it desperately. His words were so encouraging to me . I know it was by God’s divine intervention and appointment that we met and I think God answered both of our prayers that day. God is good, all the time !!!

Getting ready for Overton

About to head out to the Northeast Texas Treatment Center in Overton , Tx to share with the residents. I am so excited to revisit this place. This is where I was sentenced after being placed on deferred adjudication for 10 years. Although I relapsed and eventually went to prison I learned a lot there. This is where seeds were planted for the healing to take root and begin.

I was 40 years old and coming out of my own wilderness. As I have said I feel so very blessed and thankful to God as I take this journey revisiting places of pain and defeat now standing in victory. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME AND FOR GOD'S WORDS TO SPEAK THROUGH ME . I will keep you updated and I hope I can take some pictures. It was such a beautiful place. One morning I remember we were on the porch and heard all this noise coming from the ropes course and we ran to see what it was . This pine trees were huge and unbelievably gorgeous. What we saw were wild horses running through the woods.

It was breathtaking. That picture has always stayed in my mind and I am sure it is symbolic to something. Maybe the freedom with which they ran, I am walking in that freedom now. I will think on that more. I will check in when I get there :))

Angela: God has blessed me with this young lady -- She is my friend, my daughter, my mentee.

 John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  

Today I want to share another letter I received from a very dear friend, she is more like a daughter to me but before I do I want to take you back to when we met and how our relationship developed, she was and is my oldest daughter Hailey’s best friend. I can see the tapestry of God’s handiwork from the beginning.

I paroled out of prison in the summer of 2003 and came to live in Wylie. We had a small run down trailer on the outskirts of town and I was placed on a leg monitor as a condition of my parole. None of this mattered because I was so happy to be with my kids again, to be free, and to have AIR CONDITIONING. The trailer was like a palace compared to prison  (Life is all about perspective)  :) 

It was so awkward at first with my kids because I had let them down so many times and I knew they didn’t trust me.  The week before we got busted in 2001 CPS had visited them at school to interview  them and I remember sitting in my silver Toyota Camry in our driveway talking with my kids about this interview and assuring them that nothing bad would happen, a week later we were busted and CPS took custody of them at school. After I got out of rehab and they came to live with me and my father things went well for awhile but then I relapsed and got sent to prison. It was going to take some time to rebuild the trust and I was so scared about the damage that had been done hoping they would make good choices for their lives and in their friendships.

In the summer of 2003 Hailey had just gotten out of 8^th grade and would be starting high school in the fall. I knew this was a pivotal time in her life. There had been some concern about the friendships she had before so I was hoping for new friends to come into her life. God blessed us with Angela Tucker and Amanda Steele. These girls were outgoing and involved in extracurricular activities: Amanda was a cheerleader and Angela’s brother was quarterback of the Wylie Pirate’s Varsity Football Team.  Hailey just blossomed as she spent a lot of time at Angela’s going to football games, being with her family and just hanging out. I was so happy for these friendships.

Angela was and is a beautiful girl and their friendship continued to grow. They have each told me that they have such fun together and just laugh all the time. I understood perfectly because I had many friendships like that growing up. Just those special girls you enjoy being with because you can be yourself, be silly,  and just laugh !! Friends are so important.

Angela’s brother graduated at the end of their freshman year and went off to college the next fall. After that Angela’s home life started to deteriorate. Her parents separated and eventually divorced which left Angela alone far too often. I was shocked and saddened when her mother moved to Oklahoma and left Angela who was about 17 at the time alone in the house; her father still lived in Wylie but was struggling with his own alcoholism so was not there to guide her.

It seems after that her life started spiraling out of control. She quit attending school and started  partying too much and it wouldn’t be long before she hit a pretty hard bottom.

My relationship with Angela really began when she was locked up in Collin County jail and I began to write to her and she began to write back. Her letter says it all. I am so very proud of this young woman and the changes she has made in her life. She is a wonderful mother trying to create a beautiful life for her daughter Summer,  she now has a good job, attends church regularly , and basically has turned her life around with the guidance of God. This could have been a much different story but with God all things are possible.

God is just so AWESOME and I love that I have been able to witness first hand the transformation in Angela’s life. I love her as much as my own kids and so thankful to have her in my life. 

Hailey and Angela in 9th grade.

Her letter for my book and website  is below:) I was moved to tears by this, it was a beautiful gift to me.

"Susan Washington has had a huge impact in my life. She has been my spiritual leader, my guidance counselor, and most of all she has been my friend. We met when I was in junior high, when her eldest daughter, Hailey and I became best friends. It was not till later on in life when Susan and I really began to form an irreplaceable friendship.  Hard times hit my home when I was about sixteen. My parents were going through a divorce and like the typical teenager who faces many challenges, I began to party.  I blew off school, and began to care about very little. I started getting into more and more trouble and at seventeen was placed on probation for a felony. I continued my downward spiral doing whatever I wanted and eventually met a guy that enjoyed being in my chaotic downward spiral. We were together for about a year when I became pregnant. I instantly quit all of the partying. I decided to try and get my mind right and life on track, not only for myself, but for the new life I was going to bring into the world. Unfortunately, some things of my past caught up with me, as they always do. I found myself being convicted of my second felony at age eighteen. The court revoked my probation and I was stuck in jail with no way out; pregnant with my saving grace. I was lost and alone. All of my so called “friends” had left my side and I felt as though nobody cared about me. Susan began to send me letters while I was in jail. It was really the only mail that I received other than a few letters here and there from my child’s father. Those letters meant the world to me. Susan’s letters let me know that at least someone out there cared about me and could understand what I was going through. She was so encouraging and hopeful. She could relate to me in so many ways because she had been through so much herself. This is when our relationship began to deepen.

Our hometeam ( from left to right ) Angela, Scott,Me, Shane, Sandra, and Amada :)) These are my people !!

I was let out of jail on probation again. I was eight months pregnant. Immediately I started attending a home-team at Susan’s church which she co-led on Wednesday evenings. The people there had all been through so much and were so accepting and loving. Through the Wednesday night meetings my relationship with Susan began to deepen even more. I started going to church with her on Sunday’s and found so much love and encouragement through her. We were going through stages of coming closer to God together. I knew Susan when she first came out of prison. She did not have a relationship with God then, and I have had the privilege of watching her transform into this amazing woman of God; that I can only hope to be someday. I am so thankful that God has placed Susan in my life. I would have been lost without her helping me along the way. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for her life. I have the honor of watching her touch the lives of others daily and I know exactly how it feels. Susan has touched my life beyond words. I love you so much Susan. Thank you so much for everything. To quote Christian singer Francesca Battistelli “You are the Angel by my-side.”

Love Always,

Angela 

 Angela and I at my 50th Birthday Party !!!!!

8322 Van Pelt - My childhood HOME

Wow it was a very powerful day yesterday as I went back through my childhood home on Van Pelt. What was so amazing is I could embrace this visit in truth and light where before I felt as if I had to hide what had happened there.

As I was driving down I-30 I began to get nervous about this visit, 8322 Van Pelt always makes me nervous. It was a house of pain, horror, and tragedy for me but I also know somewhere buried deep are memories of love , adoration, and a family life I can’t remember .  So I braced the  steering wheel and pleaded with God to bring forth more healing so I can move forward and hopefully bring to surface the memories that I know are buried under the pain. This plea to God brought tears to my eyes but I could feel His strength and the fear and dread left me.

As I exited St. Francis I began to get somewhat excited about the possibilities and what may happen. I also prepared myself for the onslaught of memories that were sure to come as they always do and so thankful for the strength that God has instilled in me to face these demons from my past head on, so I can stand in complete victory over the darkness.

Driving down St. Francis I glanced down the streets where my childhood friends used to live. First Bellingham, next Londonderry, and then Jim Miller. Deciding to take a left on Jim Miller I drove down to Dorrington and took a right glancing at the home that still has the blue trim paint where Glen and Gwen Phillips had lived,remembering his tragic death when I was in eighth grade. Silently I said a prayer and decided to go up my alley .

As I drove up the alley I had a memory surface of David teaching me to ride a bike, we were at the end of our driveway and I sat upon the bicycle with the banana seat as David held me up. He gave me a push, a little too hard, and I went down the alley careening into the Cashs' chain link fence falling over onto the cement. David came running  and doctored my bloodied knee and he even bought me some candy. Later when my dad got home David got blamed for my injury. I'm not sure if I played this up or not by exaggerating my injury ,it was somewhat of a sad memory because although I remembered the love and doting of my daddy and even David  I felt somewhat guilty that David got into trouble. I think my dad was very hard on David so this memory brought mixed emotions.

As I pulled up to the driveway I remembered the yellow car that my dad had parked there after his best friend committed suicide. As a child I would peer into the windows looking at the bloodstained seats wondering why on earth my dad left that car there for me to see. This was only 6 months after David’s death and it was always so very  disturbing. Shaking the memory away I drove on up the alley and remembered playing kickball, red rover, flag football  and other games with my childhood neighbors . These memories brought a smile to my face.

Finally I turned  left on St. Francis then left on Van Pelt and parked my car ready to go into my old home. Nervously I knocked on the door , which was the original door my dad had installed. Seconds later I was greeted with a warm hug by Judy ( the current owner of the home)  and she invited me in asking me to sit at the kitchen table and have a cup of coffee. It was a perfect beginning .

As we drank our coffee I just shared my life with her sitting at the kitchen table with the bay window that I remembered so vividly. As I looked down the utility room I asked her if I could use the restroom remembering there was a powder bath down past the washer and dryer. Walking towards the bath I touched the place that held the built in ironing board. I was somewhat amazed at my recollection for details and smiled and sighed deeply as I began to relax.

Judy and I talked for over an hour which was so essential for this visit, I am so thankful to her for her hospitality and willingness to spend time with me. What a huge blessing. She then told me to tour the home alone and take all the pictures that I wanted. Standing up I wiped my palms on my jeans because they were sweating slightly then I grabbed my  phone and went through my childhood home ready to face my past and embrace my future.

As expected the tragic memories arose first as I passed the different rooms: David’s room was now an office but I just remembered it as the forbidden room with the shut doors that I was too scared to enter. Walking into it I realized it was just a room and held no power over me.

Next I went to the powder room where mother was passed out most often but this time it hurt a little less as I noticed the detail of the tile counter tops and smiled again at the little custom touches my dad made when he built this home in 1963.

After that I went into my parents’ bedroom and as always remembered the fire and my mother in a drunken haze trying to put sheets on a bed frame thinking a mattress was there. I stood where I did in 1979, back then I was wearing my cheerleading uniform for the very last time and I just watched my mother as she tripped over the frame laughing somewhat bitterly until I got really scared and helped her walk to my childhood room where I tucked her into bed.

The emotions then were so conflicting because I felt such love and hate. Yesterday I just felt sad for the pain my mother could not endure and for the little girl within me who was left with far too many responsibilities but I also felt such thankfulness for who I am today and for surviving. Smiling I walked into my teenage room feeling relief.

This room was my escape from my reality where I danced, sang, and watched endless TV . A room where I felt safe and secure.

Next was my pink bathroom that I loved with my triangular bathtub.

Again I was amazed at how it was just the same as it was back then. Smiling I moved into my childhood room where I found my mother’s body and again I felt sadness which is normal but the darkness I always felt before was gone. It was just  room and nothing more.

Feeling somewhat empowered by the revelation that the darkness was finally  gone and that this house had no evil power over me I went into the den. My main memories of this room were celebrating my 17^th birthday alone on the blue shag rug and then a year and a half later sitting in the exact same place waiting anxiously for my dad to arrive after finding my mother’s body.

As the sadness passed I looked towards the fireplace remembering the little blue Christmas stocking made out of felt which had a snowman on it. On Christmas morning it would be on the hearth haven fallen from the mantle filled with an orange, chocolate coin candy, and some almonds as well as other things. Then I remembered as a small child sneaking down the hall peering into the den to see what Santa Claus had brought me and running into my parents bedroom and jumping between them begging them to get up and my daddy hugging me tight telling me to wait a little longer because it was only 4 in the morning and falling back to sleep snuggled in his arms. That was the greatest memory of all. A little more healing took place yesterday and Judy said I could come back as many times as I needed. I feel so very blessed.

Please look at a few more pictures that I took in the gallery area. God is so good !!!

Matthew 6 :33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else...

Matthew 6 :33 Seek the Kingdom of God[d] above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

This morning as I was driving to church I thought about this scripture because honestly I really didn’t want to go to church. I had decided to stay home because I had the day off and I was just not going to do anything. All kind of justifications were going through my mind which is always a red flag for me. ( When I start justifying and rationalizing I need to take a long hard look at it because more often than not I am up to no good) The only reason I decided to go to church was because my son Sammy really wanted me to, he and his girlfriend Shelby were going and he wanted me there . So as hard as it is to admit I really went to church today because my son asked me to. As I was driving I was feeling somewhat convicted because of my motives and about the whole situation really. 

God then reminded me of how I was during my addiction, how my drug was my God and I did anything for it. He then asked me if I would go to those lengths for him. My heart was somewhat broken.

Jeremiah: 17:9-10 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? 10 “I the LORD search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve.” 

At the height of my addiction my drug was my God and I worshipped it with complete abandon. I remember being out of drugs and getting a call in the middle of the night that I could get something. I would jump out of bed and drive for hours to feed my addiction. My schedule, even though I was a full time teacher , was arranged around my drug habit. Nothing was more important than the drugs. I put the drugs above everything else in my life : my marriage, my children, my career, etc.

God reminded me of that today and asked me if HE was as important to me NOW as the drugs were back then. WOW!! This brought upon a wave of conviction because sadly the answer is No. 
Sure I go to church every Sunday but I’m usually running a little late because I hit the snooze button on my alarm to get an extra 10 minutes of sleep. I NEVER EVER hit the snooze button when my dealer called and said I could “re-up”. My heart is breaking a little more.

Psalm 51 : 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.

This is something I need to take a look at , I no longer worship a drug but are there other things or people in my life that I put before God ? 

Psalm 139: 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

God showed me what he found offensive in me this morning. What is so wonderful about God is that he admonishes us gently, that is how I knew this was from him: There was no guilt or condemnation just gentle conviction. 

Psalm 139: 23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. 24 Point out anything in me that offends you and lead me along the path of everlasting life.