Spring forward to the spring of 2002

It was a little bittersweet when I graduated from NTTC in February of 2002.   I had been there six months and felt comfortable. I was a leader in the community and had made a lot of friends.  My self-esteem had been built up , I had lost a lot of weight ( which was very rare, most gain weight in rehab but somehow  I was a fat Meth addict: )  , and I felt ready to take on the world. The probation officers at the center thought of me as their shining star, they believed I was going to make it and I was determined not to let them down.  BUT still the real world seemed a little scary and I had doubts I could make it. My kids would be moving into my father’s house with me and we would be starting over. For six months I had only focused on me and my recovery with really no other responsibilities but that was about to change.

My return to NTTC after 10 years to share my testimony with the resideints

At the front door after speaking. So grateful that God has given me the opportunities to stand in vicotry in the places where I felt such defeat. He is Good !!At the beginning things were wonderful.  Although rehab wasn’t jail we did not have any freedom. It was a court ordered rehab and if we left the facility or disobeyed the rules a warrant would be issued for our arrest. While there I probably witnessed 10 -15 arrested for various infractions, their county would come pick them up in shackles and chains. For most the next leg of their journey was prison.  So to be able to do as I pleased was so very liberating in every sense of the word.  Hailey and Alexis moved right in with me and Sammy came a few weeks later. Finally I had my kids back , Warner was still incarcerated. The kids started school in Rockwall and we were adjusting to our new life our new normal.

Living with my father was not a healthy choice and honestly it turned out to be a choice that ultimately changed the trajectory of my life.   At the time I didn’t think I had a choice but I did, I could have gone to a half-way house. Basically my choice was based on having the best materially. My dad had a beautiful home and the kids could go to the yacht club and swim but, as I had learned as a child but seemed to forget, material things do not make you happy.

My dad was very critical of me and when he was drunk, he was verbally abusive. He would have a glass full of vodka in his hand, look at me with disgust and throw it in my face.  He would say, “I wish you would have died instead of Kathey because she would have never embarrassed and humiliated me the way that you have.”  At the time, I believed I deserved that treatment with all my heart. It just compounded the shame and condemnation that I already felt about myself. My self-esteem slowly began to plunge.

Trying to find work after rehab was difficult also and part of that problem was pride, with thoughts like “I have a college education, I am not going to work there,” when faced with job prospects in food service or retail.

At the time, I was pretty clueless about how this felony was going to affect my life. I called about a potential job with Terrell ISD; the school was desperate for a substitute teacher for one very disruptive student. They told me to show up the next day and we could “take care of paper work later.” Despite my efforts to tell them about the felony, they were desperate to fill the position and assured me that it could be discussed at a later time.  The optimistic person that I am took that as a sign from God that I was going to start my new position and be so wonderful at it, they would overlook my 2nd degree felony conviction of manufacturing meth! (What alternate universe was I living in???) 

After about three or four weeks of working I finally got to see an assistant superintendent (I was really trying to be honest and do the right thing). I will never forget sitting across his desk and describing what had happened. He looked me in the eye and said he didn’t think it would be a problem. I returned to the classroom with my one student thinking all was going to be fine. Later that afternoon, the principal and other administrators came to the door and escorted me to principal’s office. They let me know that I needed to leave the premises and they would not need my services anymore. This was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life, again shame and self-loathing washed all over me. Later I learned I would probably not teach again and that I would lose my teaching certificate because of the choices I had made. That news was heartbreaking because I had worked so hard to get my degree and I loved teaching. Hopelessness set in and I relapsed on meth. I had been clean for over a year but at the end of April 2002 I was using again.

The downward spiral happened fast. Within a week I was back to using every day and using more than I had before. The look on my children’s faces as I walked out of the bathroom, after being locked in there for what seemed like hours, breaks my heart. My son said, “Mom , it makes us think you are using again when you stay gone so long and lock yourself in the bathroom.” I lied to them, promised that I wasn’t using, but you could read the disbelief all over their sweet broken faces. By the end of May I was a total mess taking unbelievable risks with my life. One of the worst happening right before Memorial Day 2002 of course. Here is what I journaled :

It was Sunday May 26, 2002, the day before Memorial Day. I was back to using daily . I had gone to Kilgore to see a friend from rehab who I had relapsed with ( he is now serving 12 years because he couldn't stay clean, just a bunch of small possession charges, I just wrote him a letter trying to encourage him) Anyway I left to drive back to Rockwall . I needed gas but put it off and ran out in Lindale off of I 20 and I saw no station in sight so I began to walk ( I have been clean almost 10 years and in that time I haven't run out of gas once , literally or figuratively :)) while on drugs I ran out all the time literally and figuratively . I even fell asleep at my desk in class and my students woke me up and asked if it was nap time!!!)))) a man in an 18 wheeler pulled over . Excited about help I approached the truck but when he opened the door my heart skipped a beat and I was scared . He was rough looking and said get in, even in my altered state my gut told me I was in trouble. Looking around skittishly I didn't know what to do. Impatiently he said get in again and at that moment a DPS officer pulled up and asked if there was a problem. Not sure what to do because I had drugs on me but I was very scared of that man so I told the trooper I ran out of gas and went with him. I was so nervous after getting gas he asked if he could search my car because I was acting suspicious. I predicted that so I had the drugs and was able to dispose of them but I didn't get rid of my pipe and some basically empty baggies so I got a paraphernalia ticket. I left shaking but went and got more drugs . The next week June 5 I got the new possession charge that revoked my probation. God saved me that day and tried to warn me with that ticket to get back on the right path but I chose the path of self destruction . Not sure what would have happened if I got in that truck but the red flags were flying frantically and I chose to go with an officer while on probation for manufacturing meth, high, and with drugs on me so I was scared . That decision may have very well saved my life. God certainly works in mysterious ways and I'm thankful he intervened that day . It was all part of His plan. I forgot that story. Another part of my journey visiting places where I was in bondage and defeat now standing in the victory and freedom that only he provides:))