Mother's Day 2013- the day when my greatest joy and my greatest agony will collide

Mother’s Day has always been a tough day for me because momma was absent mentally and emotionally for so much of my life especially during my teens. Then she died and later we lost Kathey, who was really more like a mother to me than a sister. It doesn’t help that Mother’s Day falls in May when they both died.  But today as I am struggling with this upcoming day I am trying to remain thankful for where I am mentally, spiritually, and physically. Today I am thankful that I am still sober, clean ( it will be 11 years July 15 ) , and joyful about life even though this will be my first Mother’s Day without Alexis.

For some reason my thoughts took me back to Mother’s Day 2002. I had relapsed and was a mess. By the time Mother’s Day came around I had crashed because I had been up so long. My kids and I were living with my father.  The game room upstairs had become my bedroom, it was more private and there was a balcony so I could open the French doors to let the air circulate. It was easier to get high up there away from it all. I thought I was fooling them all. But that Mother’s Day I was asleep and couldn’t wake up for anything.  The kids had worked hard to make my Mother’s Day special.  Hailey was in 7^th grade, Alexis in 4^th, and Sammy in 3^rd. They were so excited about what they had prepared for me but I wouldn’t get up, I just couldn’t because the days of nonstop drug use had taken a toll on me.  Finally Hailey, who was usually calm and laid back, came upstairs and yelled at me telling me I was breaking Alexis and Sammy’s heart. She was so angry. I was shocked by this reaction from my sweet Hailey. But I deserved it.  Her rebuke jolted me and I finally dragged myself downstairs to celebrate.  Alexis and Sammy looked at me expectantly and I know I let them down. I could barely hold my eyes open.  This behavior probably confirmed any suspicion that I was using but the addiction again had such a grip on me that it came first, it came before my kids who I loved with all my heart but sadly I loved the drug more. I didn’t want to think about it and ran back upstairs to fall asleep waiting until I could get some more Meth.  When I have ministered in prison I have been brutally honest with the inmates.  They will go on and on about missing their kids and how much they love them. I tell them that is a beautiful sentiment but they need to back it up with their actions when they get out because most often their drug came before their kids. The sooner they are honest about that the better they can deal with it and change the reality of it all.. Their children deserve their best.. Their children deserve the truth even though the truth hurts. When we walk in the truth we walk in the light and God can bring forth healing. He can’t heal what we won’t reveal.  Most often they have not been offended as the tears began to flow they agreed

Not long after that Alexis and Sammy started spending more time with their grandparents in Wylie and I slipped further away. It is a heartbreaking memory to think of how I hurt them, how my actions that I so fervently justified with statements like “I am only hurting myself” “My drug use doesn’t affect anyone else”  had a devastating effect on them . Our actions affect so many, there is a domino effect. It is hard to see clearly in the eye of the storm though.

I am thankful to say that all the Mother’s Days since I paroled from prison in 2003 were special, sober, and uneventful although I missed momma and Kathey ,  I enjoyed my children.   Staying clean transformed my role as a mother and finding God transformed my life in every area. My kids watched this and I personally believe because of my transformation the  trajectory of their lives changed forever. 

One of the most special Mother’s Day came in May of 2009 when we dedicated Riley at church.

The Day Riley was dedicated , Mother's Day 2009

 And last Mother’s Day I will never forget. I am so thankful to have captured these moments for eternity.

Mother's Day 2012- The last one with all of my children

So this weekend I will try my best to focus on all the good that has come from all the bad. Honestly it will be hard because it is my first Mother’s Day since Alexis died but we tend to see what we are looking for so I choose to look for the beauty beyond the pain.