The Mountaintop through the Clouds

You know I have been in a lot of thought lately about God’s plan for my life.  Just last year HE clearly showed me what my mission was and HE has confirmed it repeatedly:  I am to be a speaker sharing my story  and write my book. When HE showed me the sign in the photo where I am praying it was an amazing encounter with HIM.

 

That day I had cried out to God after seeing two homeless men who were hungry, thirsty, and broken asking HIM if me being a speaker and writing a book was enough when there is such pain in the world. I felt so very selfish but when I got home HE showed me the picture where the sign says “You are now entering your mission field” I was blown away.  In reality it was my mountaintop experience.  There is no doubt in my mind that I heard this from HIM and before June 7^th I would have screamed it from the mountaintops but then Alexis died. This turned my world upside down and was so sudden and unexpected. I have tried to cling to what I heard from HIM and not doubt HIS plan but I do because so many unexpected things happened that weren’t in MY plan.  And with that sentence I see my problem: My Plan compared to God’s Plan. God is and has been clear on my mission and what I am to do. What is unclear is the way this is going to happen. Life is a journey and what the Lord hasn’t shown me is the road that will get me to the top of my mountain so to speak.

As I was thinking of this I remembered when I traveled to Colorado last year at this time and looked out at the beautiful mountains. On one cloudy day I could see the mountain tops through the clouds but you couldn’t see how you could get up to the top of the mountain.  And I think that is how God works in our lives. He graciously gives us these experiences so we are able to navigate the many valleys in our lives, not so we can stay on the mountain. He gives us the vision or dream but we have to trust HIM on HIS timing and the way he will lead us up our mountain so we can achieve HIS and therefore our dream.

It was really a beautiful picture in my mind.

This photo represents what HE showed me: ))

 

A trip back to Dallas County Jail: surprisingly my toughest audience yet !

Today was my first time to speak at a county jail.  I spoke to two groups and it was so different than speaking in a prison. It seemed as if these girls had such attitude. I could feel it as they walked in the room and sat down. It makes sense though, many of them had just been arrested and they had not been locked up very long. As I looked at them I thought of those first weeks I had in county when I just knew I would get out soon thinking I didn’t really have a problem. I was never one to have an attitude like some of these girls did but I remember feeling it wasn’t fair that I was there, that law enforcement needed to focus on the criminals who were hurting others. I was so blind just like many of these girls. I did my regular ice breaker which is an optical illusion and it fell flat. Many of them seemed as if they could care less, the looks on their faces seemed to say “what can this middle aged woman have in common with me?”    As I began to tell my story they didn’t even laugh at my jokes which usually go over well. Feeling discouraged I took a deep breath and prayed for God to show up big time because this was not going well.  But I continued on knowing that if my story even touched one girl it would be worth it. Hearts were softened when I shared about my mother’s death then tears were shed when I shared about Kathey dying. Many nodded their head with understanding as I described my spiral into drug addiction, CPS taking my children, and those thoughts of suicide when I couldn’t see a way out of the mess I had gotten myself into. There were looks of shock and fear as I told about the crimes committed by the women I shared a dorm with at my unit in prison (Hilltop) and my days of slopping pigs.  By this point hearts seemed opened and the temperature in the room had warmed up drastically. They didn’t look at me with contempt and suspicion anymore. They cheered when I shared about my Dickey’s job, my teaching certificate being reinstated,  and the dream God has placed in my heart to become a speaker and write a book.  They thought I was done. They said “good job” but of course I wasn’t finished.  It always takes me a minute to tell about the death of Alexis. I have to pause so I don’t lose control. They could sense it and looked at me with dreaded anticipation and they were broken when they learned I lost my daughter. In that moment it seemed as if God opened the flood gates and the girls began to weep and share. They are all struggling with pain and guilt. One young girl was sobbing uncontrollably and I learned her 10 month old daughter had died recently. One was hysterical because her sister had died of cancer and instead of visiting her she spent her time high, and one felt guilty because her brother had committed suicide.  As they cried and shared they asked me how they could heal and I told them that I believed with all my heart healing was taking place in that moment as they shared their deepest pain.  Amazingly it did not end there, girls shared deep buried secrets , the secrets that are so destructive  and had such power over them..  I could feel the presence of the Lord as HE softened even the toughest girls tearing away the masks that they wore to protect themselves. As I walked across Commerce Street in the rain I looked up at God and thanked him again for using me because not only did the inmates experience HIS Healing Grace I did too.  God is so good and what I feared would be a huge failure by how it began ended in victory because of our Savior . I hope the seeds that were planted today will be nourished so they can move forward. I am praying hard for that and for those girls to make the right choice to surrender their lives to Jesus so they can walk in that freedom. It was very powerful, I am so very blessed that he uses me this way.  I read somewhere the best way Thank you JESUS!!

A Beautiful Mind

Yesterday Riley looked at me with those big blue eyes and sighed deeply, she then said "Momma, well we made it through the major holidays and now we will start over, for Halloween next year I will be a Rose" So often I am amazed by her because I was thinking the same thing; we made it through the first holidays without Alexis Rose Washington and although it was so sad there was so much joy as wel...l. She then stopped and said "Oh I forgot there are two more big holidays: Mother's Day and ...........I can't remember the name of the other so I will call it Papa's Day:)))))" I smiled and said that some people call it Father's Day and remembered a while back when she said you're my mommy now since mommy went to Heaven and papa , well papa has always been my daddy. Her thoughts and understanding are so simple and complex at the same time, what a beautiful mind she has.

 

Powerful Photos

On my way to jail, I stopped to print the new slides I added to my power point for when I speak. I use a printed version in jails and prison. I think they are a powerful aid in telling my story.