Identity and Experience
The first lie I believed is that I wasn’t smart, that I didn’t measure up. Not sure when I began to believe this but I believe Satan used my sister Kathey’s intelligence and academic achievement to make me believe that I was not smart. As I have said before Kathey was incredible intelligent as was my father. I have had more than one person say my father was the smartest man they knew. And these were highly intelligent successful people in their own right. Kathey was like him in that respect. Kathey graduated in the top 10, not 10% but top 10, of her class at Bryan Adams and there were more than 1000 in that graduating class. That is amazing in itself but that she achieved that success in spite of a severe hearing loss that impaired her speech, hearing (of course), and language makes it stand out even more. My father was so proud of her and she received a full academic scholarship to SMU for her academic achievements where she graduated with a Bachelor’s of Science. I believe because of that I didn’t feel smart. When I compared myself to Kathey I always came up short. ( By the way you should never compare yourself with others , when you do you there are two results: shame or pride) . Believing I wasn’t smart was a lie because I was and am smart. And because I believed that lie I didn’t try as hard as I could have because I knew or believed I could never be succeed like Kathey.
My efforts were put into being personable, funny, and being a cheerleader. As we went through elementary school anticipating going to JL Long my greatest desire was to be a cheerleader. I believe subconsciously I made the decision that if I can’t be the smartest I will be the most popular in my family because I did want to shine. I wanted my daddy to be as proud of me as he was of Kathey. Then when I got to Long and did make cheerleader my home life began to crumble as mother drank more and more and daddy went out to bars every night coming home later and later. My identity ( although false and not on any strong foundation) was somewhat grounded in the fact that I was a cheerleader, well liked, and popular . In my young mind I believed if I were these things it meant I must have some value even though I felt so alone , abandoned , and unloved at home as the neglect increased.
During this time I believed the second lie, not only was I not smart I was unworthy and unlovable. I had to be because my parents weren’t there for me like they were my sister and brother. I was hanging on by a thread trying to believe and prove I had value.
This hanging on by a thread sense of identity carried me through high school as my home life completely deteriorated. This will sound so silly but I don’t know what I would have done if I wouldn’t have made cheerleader, it was all I had that gave me any feelings of self-worth, it was my identity.
These deep feelings of inadequacy increased when I found my mother ‘s body and self-loathing and self-condemnation were piled on as well because I felt responsible for her death. That is when the third lie was planted: I was a murderer, I killed my mom, and I had to keep that hidden. When I looked in the mirror I saw someone who was unworthy, stupid, unlovable and a killer . It was awful and eventually the fact that I was a cheerleader in school didn’t matter anymore and I was defeated. My identity crumbled along with my life.
Those were my experiences based upon my beliefs. We predict outcomes based on our experiences. My belief system was jacked up but it was deeply ingrained . What I believed about me and who I was had a grip on me that kept me silent and hidden. Believing if anyone knew who I really was they would reject me ( as my parents did) . As I began to pursue God he slowly began to change me and taught me that my experiences shouldn’t be used to predict anything because I lived in such dysfunction that I wasn’t even aware of. Dysfunction was my normal.
My first lesson in this (and it was a life changing lesson for me) was when Alex Jensen died. After his death I just KNEW his family was going to fall apart. My heart broke as I thought of Kerri and Dan becoming alcoholics neglecting Beth. That is what I predicted would happened based on my experiences. Kerri and I met at Shoemaker and Hardt one day a few weeks after Alex died because I thought I could help, I knew loss not the loss of a child, but I knew tragic loss and what that does to families. I felt I was the expert and could guide her . As we sat down she appeared frail but strong if that makes sense. It was she who helped me that day and I was amazed at her strength. Another thing I was amazed by is she kept talking about Alex, each time she said his name I would wince a little because I grew up in a family where you didn’t talk about dead people, you didn’t mention their name. That day changed me, I saw something within her that I knew I needed. When I mentioned her strength she told me my strength comes from the Lord. Her identity came from the Lord too I would realize later. When you can stand strong in the Lord and the power of his might you won’t be shaken. You might bend but you won’t break. That day God began work within me laying the foundation for my new identity in HIM. .
I felt compelled to share this because it opened my eyes and maybe it will help someone else.