I am trying so hard to be brave right now but I am struggling as Memorial Day nears. Memorial Day has always been so very difficult because of Momma and Kathey's deaths. For those who don't know my story, my mother and sister both died at the age of 49 on Memorial Day. Mother was 1979 and Kathey was 1999. Each year during this time I am under attack. I know there is spiritual warfare because the word says so :
For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6: 12(NKJV)
What has been dominating my thoughts today for some reason is the movie “Ordinary People”. It came out in 1980 and had a tremendous effect on me probably because of all I had just been through with the death of my mother as well as the overshadowing effects still lingering from David’s suicide. It was the story of the disintegration of an upper middle class family who are grieving the loss of their oldest son who drowned in a boating accident. Their surviving son, Conrad, who was on the boat as well unsuccessfully attempts suicide and that is where the story really begins.
This movie drew me in and I’m not sure why because I don’t know if I clearly understood what it was about. I spent a lot of time at the movies by myself during high school just to escape the loneliness of my home. At the movies I could escape my reality and that didn’t change after mother died because my reality got so much worse , I looked forward to these movies taking me away. Little did I know that Ordinary People would hit on a nerve so raw and so deeply close to my fragile heart.
I loved Robert Redford and had seen “The Way we Were” , “The Sting”, and “Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid” numerous times , “Ordinary People” was his directorial debut. Timothy Hutton was somewhat new but I was excited to see him act because he was about my age and I had loved his father Jim Hutton in “Where the Boys Are” ( right now I can hear Connie Francis singing the title song “ Where the Boys Are, someone waits for me……… “. Then of course there was Mary Tyler Moore who I had grown up watching on the Dick Van Dyke show and later the Mary Tyler Moore show. My excitement grew about seeing this movie and then I went. It was beautifully done but mirrored my life and my family in so many ways , it was somewhat haunting.
I was Conrad except I was a girl and hadn’t tried to commit suicide. I could relate so well to his guilt , he had survivor guilt and so did I on a level that I couldn’t begin to comprehend then but is so very clear today. Conrad couldn’t forgive himself for surviving , for holding on and I couldn’t either.
It was hard to see Mary Tyler Moore so cold but the way she withdrew and was so remote reminded me of how my dad had dealt with David’s death, he slowly just kept withdrawing until he gone. I struggled with his absence and his presence as well because he could be so cold and critical. It was something I wrestled with and felt guilt because in a way I was actually happy he wasn’t around although I missed the idea of having my daddy terribly. It is hard to describe.
I sat in the theater watching this movie alone and was stunned, barely able to breathe. I felt I was watching a movie about my life in a way. Having never read the book I secretly cheered on Conrad thinking if he could be okay then maybe I could be okay. Watching the cathartic scene where healing finally begins was so very disturbing to say the least because I wasn’t ready to feel yet. I wanted to be better but I didn’t want to feel any pain. It would be decades before I finally had a cathartic scene of my own.
The moment where the healing began for Conrad
But today as those thoughts came to the surface of my mind I came to the realization that I am a survivor and I forgive myself for holding on. My dad and mom just let go of their lives but somehow I survived , I didn’t do it with much dignity or grace but the bottom line is I made it. I alone survived and honestly I am very proud of that. I think of the times I was almost overcome but with the help of God and the strength he instilled within me I was able to pull myself out of the pit I had dug for myself and today I am standing on a firm foundation : a strong foundation that will withstand whatever God allows to come my way. I always think I am weak but because of God I know I am strong: VERY STRONG. It is just a fact and I’m going to state it because it is false humility not to. God made me this way and I thank him for that : ))
Wow I wrote this right before Alexis died and it is all still true. I am a survivor and an overcomer standing firm in my faith which has got me through this past year. Back in 1980 I was a frightened young girl but with the help of God my fears have been stripped away.