As I have shared so very often this is a HARD time of the year for me, it has been since the spring of my senior year in high school. It was in the spring of ‘79 that everything began to spiral out of control where my mother was concerned, culminating in her death on Memorial Day of that year. AND THEN 20 years later Kathey died , AND THEN two years after that I got arrested for manufacturing Meth , AND THEN one year later I got arrested for possession, AND THEN I got sent to prison. All of these events in my life took place in the spring.
To most people spring represents new life, new birth, a new beginning but to me it has represented death and the end to so many things. Year after year as March would come to an end a knot of fear and dread would begin to develop in the pit of my stomach but last year I thought I had overcome it all, FINALLY not caving into the feelings of overwhelming sadness that would always wash over me , standing firm in my faith so thankful God had delivered me . Walking in the power, love, and self-discipline that God has given me. AND THEN, without warning in the blink of an eye, Alexis died………
As a result of all that has happened I am feeling even more overwhelmed this year. When these feelings and thoughts won’t go away and keep bombarding my mind I begin to get angry with myself thinking I should be over this by now : Mother died 34 years ago !!! If I split my life into thirds I have spent almost 2/3’s of my life without my momma. That blows me away. And it is unbelievable that Kathey has been gone 14 years. I just can’t wrap my head around that!! So at times I wonder why momma’s and Kathey’s deaths STILL hurt so badly. AND THEN this year all the old pain is compounded with the still very raw and fresh pain from losing Alexis. Some days I just feel worn out like my soul has been crushed. That is where I am at today.
But God is always right there to show me my many blessings, sometimes it just takes me longer to open my eyes and ears to listen to HIM. Today God reminded me that although It has been 34 years since momma died I have only been dealing with it for 8 , the other 26 years I tried to hide, deny, and self-medicate. I felt much better after that because in reality I am handling things extremely well . I am still clean and sober today and that is something I am extremely thankful for. There are countless people who can’t get clean and I have done it and remained that way. That is what I love about God when I am feeling so very weak he points out all HIS strengths within me. So I guess when the pain comes in I will just give in to the healing tears and press into the Lord.
As I drove home from work tonight listening to worship music this song came on:
10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)
Bless the lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship you holy name
The sun comes up
It’s a new day dawning
It’s time to sing your song again
Whatever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes
AND THEN I felt refreshed. It put all things into perspective plus Kathey’s favorite Psalm was Psalm 103. Then I stopped at Alexis’ site and as I admired her memorial I remembered how he had given me beauty for ashes yet again. As I said a prayer and walked to my car I knew I would be okay, the pain had passed.
