We headed down Parker Road and were in Wylie before I knew it. After passing the Sonic I glanced over at the old trailer we lived in when I first got out of prison. It seemed a lifetime ago and tears formed in my eyes as I thought of those words because it was true Alexis’ lifetime was over. A funny memory surfaced of Alexis getting off the school bus one afternoon . As she ran to our trailer she looked back at her friends on the bus to wave and ran into a pole falling down. She was so embarrassed but she was laughing at herself also. She was blessed with the gift of laughing at herself. I focused my attention on the winding road still confused about where she died but as we passed McMillan Rd Jill pointed and said it was there. We pulled off on the road by the cabinet shop and parked. I think I got out and walked around. The orange paint in the grass and the tire tracks marked the scene. There was something plastic that was pink and blue , it was in shattered pieces. I tried to pick them up and figure out what they were but there was just too many , all I knew is it was a toy of Riley’s . I swallowed hard feeling thankful that Riley was safe at Jenn’s . I didn’t even want to imagine what would have happened if she would have been in the car.
We left for Jill’s house and met everyone there. We hadn’t been there five minutes when the home team I used to attend began to arrive with food and drinks . We learned her friends had organized a candle light vigil at New Hope which was so very sweet. Mel called me and said she would be there as soon as possible and would bring me some clothes. I was in a dress and high heels. I honestly don’t know if I will ever wear that dress again. I washed it yesterday and it brought upon a wave of sadness. It was the dress I was wearing in the photo where I am standing in the blue office and you can see my reflection in the picture of the boats being tossed by the storm. It was the dress I wore last year to celebrate the birth of my dear friend Melanie. There have been so many storms in my life, this being by far the worst but I kept reminding myself I was standing on the other side of that storm with a smile of victory on my face. Maybe God gave me insight into that photo knowing I would think of it today and knowing I would be wearing that dress. He knows every detail of our intricate lives. Nothing happens by chance and nothing happens that he does not allow.
We got down to business and started making the arrangements for Alexis. Honestly the only option we had was cremation because of cost but that was okay. Of course I didn’t know her wishes like I knew my dad’s because I never imagined losing my child. Kerri and Dan Jensen were walking us through this process. They had a public viewing for their son Alex before cremation and we thought about that but the difference in cost was about 3000 so we decided upon a basic cremation with a family viewing. Thankfully Jill called and made all those arrangements. Not long after that I got a call that Alexis had registered to be a donor and there was a list of questions to answer. She couldn’t donate organs because they didn’t use a ventilator ( I think) but she could donate tissue. It made me cry that she had registered . What a thoughtful , thoughtful young girl. The questions took about 30 minutes and some of the questions were crazy . ( if she had been transplanted with animal parts or being around others who had . They asked if she had had diseases that I had never heard of. It was a long and exhausting conversation and I almost lost my cool. I understand it was important just so very hard to answer at that time.)
At some point I did a post on facebook because the news was traveling fast and I had received some condolences so I knew it would be best to announce the death of my daughter. Immediately after posting the news the encouragement started pouring in. It was so comforting to read everyone’s concern. Mel called all our close friends and I called my neice , nephews, and my brother in law Carl.
Warner, Sammy, Hailey, Riley, and I went back to the site. This was tough as we walked around where she took her last breath. I am a crier but I don’t think I have ever cried tears that came from so deep within. It is hard to explain but these tears came from the depth of my spirit and soul. This is a grief I have never known and I am so familiar with grief. Sammy picked up something that we knew was part of her car, we think the door handle to I grabbed it and it is in my purse. Every now and then I pull it out and hold it in my hand rubbing it, it is somewhat comforting as my fingers fit perfectley around it. That may sound morbid but it gives me comfort.
Riley looked at the pink and blue pieces of plastic and told us that was from her bucket that they would take to the lake. Sadly she said she used it to make sand castles. As she said that I thought of the photos Alexis had posted recently of Riley swimming at the lake and the sand castles they made. A wave a grief washed over me again. The range of emotions were overwhelming.
At moments I would yell at God asking him "WHY?", I felt it wasn't fair I had lost so much already, I was trying to serve HIM and share HIS love and grace with a hurting world. I was trying to be so obedient and I thought it JUST wasn't fair but then a peace would wash over me calming me down and I would remember HIS word and recite it over and over. Specifically Proverbs 3 :5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding . I could almost physically feel HIS embrace and I could rest in his peace, at least for a moment.
We headed back to Jills and around 6:30 or so Mel, Lisa, and Delaine arrived. They brought me Starbucks and some turkey and cheese. I smiled that my friends knew me so well and I felt so very loved , I love to eat meat. They came in and hung out until we left for the candle light vigil. We all got in our cars and headed to New Hope.