As I said earlier this is very very hard for me and I think that I have figured out why I have this fear of rejection, ridicule, and judgment. It is because I have received rejection, ridicule, and judgment where my weight is concerned and it came from the person I wanted to please the most, my father. My whole life I tried to make him proud of me and maybe I did but he just could not express it. Most of his comments to me were critical and when I got overweight he could really be mean to me. His demeaning words hurt my feelings so badly, as I think of those moments I always begin to cry. I think that is where the root of this fear comes from and it is good to know the root causes.
Although there is still pain associated with these memories my dad and I had complete restoration in our fragile relationship and I had completely forgiven him for how he treated me before he died but I guess there is still some healing to take place. And as I have said before we must reveal it for God to heal it and today I am going to reveal it and pray for God’s healing in this area.
When I first got out of prison I was on a leg monitor and couldn’t even walk outside of my trailer unless I had a parole appointment, a job interview, or I was going to an AA/NA meeting. There weren’t any job interviews and my transportation was very limited so I just couldn’t plan anything. So this meant I spent a lot of time in the trailer and got no exercise at all but my weight stayed somewhat stable I guess. We had a scale but I didn’t get on it, I just didn’t like scales so I really didn’t know how much I weighed.
After I got off the leg monitor and was able to leave the trailer I got a job as a drive thru cashier at Dickey’s. We were very busy and I was running around all the time and I lost some weight. As I said I never weighed but after working a couple of weeks I had to go buy new jeans because the ones I had were too big and I remember being thrilled to get a pair of size 10’s. I worked at Dickey’s from 2004-2006 and then I got my job at Highland Homes.
Highland was a lot less physical, I mean a lot less. After I had been working at Highland for a month or two my boss came to me one day and said the Lord had laid it on his heart that it was time for me to quit smoking and he asked me if I thought I was ready. I believed Trent had heard from the Lord on this subject so I said I was willing to try and he laid hands on me and prayed.
I have not picked up a cigarette since that day. I am amazed at how the Lord delivered me from that addiction IMMEDIATELY!! I believe the Lord can do that because I believe God can do anything but usually it seems HE takes us through a process so we will learn or others will learn from us but he delivered me from my addiction to smoking cigarettes instantly. I am still in awe of that : )
The only problem was after I quit smoking I really began to gain weight and although I had overcome a lot of things there were so much happening in my life that was causing me stress. Throughout this difficult time I never used alcohol, drugs, or smoked but I ate to relieve the stress and for comfort I guess. I got to the point where I didn’t buy size clothes anymore I just bought Large or X Large so then I really didn’t know what size I was. And although there was A LOT of stress in my home life (which I will go into later ) I was pursuing God with all my heart, knowing that a relationship with him was the answer for the changes in my life that I so desperately needed and wanted.
I wanted to have love, hope, and forgiveness, peace with my past and true joy so I keep chasing after God knowing he was the answer to what had been missing.
After I quit smoking and I really began to gain.
Spiritually I was growing by leaps and bounds but the problem was I was growing by leaps and bounds physically too : ))) My weight was beginning to have an effect on my life and limit my activity because my knees hurt so badly. One of the most memorable moments was when I went to Firewheel Mall and I had to park really far from the store I was going to.
The only open parking place was by the Sonic and I was going to the New York and Company store (they had the best stretch knit black pants). I had to stop and sit down on a bench because my legs hurt so badly. I remember just sitting there crying my eyes out because I couldn’t even walk around a mall. My heart was broken and I felt such shame. Not long after that I had a dream that my blood pressure was sky high. This scared me because I thought I could have a stroke or heart attack, I was terrified.
Thankfully this happened at a time where I had some extra money because I don’t have insurance so I went straight to the doctor and stepped on a scale for the first time in years. I was shocked by my weight, I could not believe it but surprisingly other than being obese I was in great health. They did a complete physical and blood work and it all came back great. My cholesterol was at the high end of the normal range but that was it. I think even the doctor was a little amazed. I had really thought my health might be hopeless so this encouraged me.
I normally would not anyone take a picture because I was so ashamed.
After that I noticed a friend from church had lost a lot of weight and I asked her about it and she told me she did a program called Slim4life so I went to check it out. It was expensive but I was determined and ready. I started the program on the Monday after Thanksgiving 2009.
When I stepped on the scale I weighed 216 and my goal weight was 125. I reached my goal through discipline and eating healthy by August of 2010 and I have kept it off. I fluctuate between 120 and 125. I weigh everyday and I know some people say not to do that but it holds me accountable and that is important for my type of personality which is very “ADDICTIVE”. If I go over 125 I go back on the program because even though it might be only a few pounds the little things can add up. Again I go back to one of my favorite scriptures. SONG OF SOLOMON 2:15 "Take us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes."
Those little foxes (drugs, weight, shame, etc) have wreaked havoc in my life. This morning when I stepped on the scale I weighed 123 which makes my total weight loss 94 lbs. The amazing thing is it has changed my appetite. I crave salmon, asparagus, broccoli, tuna, chicken and steak. I think I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life. Here are my photos. I included one from today so you could see. It made me feel better. God has certainly changed me from the inside out and I feel so victorious over my demons because of HIS strength within me.
