I try not to be anxious but at times I am and I know that is a sin because the Bible is clear about this (Philippians 4:6-7 Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding , willguard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.) What I don’t want is my children to hurt , I love them so much. As I have said before I will never forget the looks on their faces when they learned Alexis died. They were in such deep pain and all I wanted to do was take it from them. As I witnessed their sorrow I forgot about my own. My pain doesn’t matter when I think of theirs. It is overwhelming when I hear Riley say “I miss Heaven Mommy” with her eyes swimming in tears. It’s heartbreaking to hear Hailey cry and say “ I miss her so much, I just hope she knows I loved her “. It is devastating to watch Sammy in his grief , missing the sister he had such a strong bond with. They were Irish twins born within 12 months of each other and they were so very close. It hurts to hear him say “I just can’t imagine growing old without her”. And that is only what I observed , I don’t know what goes on behind the walls they have constructed to protect themselves, what their thoughts are, or what their fears are.
All I want to do is shield them from anymore loss or pain. I love my kids that much and I pray protection around all of us . Right after Alexis died I decided I wasn’t scared to die because I just missed her so much, if it was my time it was but then I worried about those left behind because I saw the pain they felt when she died. They love me and need me so much. I am their rock I know that. I never want them to hurt that way again but of course I have no control over what happens but it just gnaws away at me. As I was driving home on Christmas Day in the snow and ice with Shelby, Sammy, and Riley in the car I was a nervous wreck. 121 was awful and I was responsible for these three people ( well four since Shelby is carrying my grand son) that I love with all my heart. I prayed the whole way and Sammy was awesome trying to keep me calm. I just love them so much.
At times I worry I feel too much and then as I was driving home tonight I thought about how God feels about us. In (Matthew 7 9 “You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? 10 Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! 11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. )
This made me realize how much God loves me and I felt an overwhelming peace and gratitude knowing he is in control . It was really very powerful and comforting. This comforted me in my mourning because I know that Christ is with me and loves me more than I could even imagine, more than I love my own babies. Because of Christ my mourning is not the kind which has no hope--—it is a mourning of faith in the goodness and wisdom of God; it is a mourning that believes our Heavenly Father makes no mistakes even where the death of Alexis is concerned.
As I have said God always swoops in and comforts me. He is good, always faithful, and I know without a shadow of a doubt that He Loves Me. I refuse to believe the lies the enemy wants me to believe and to do that I need to stay strong in the Lord and the power of HIS might . He is always protecting me.
