Proverbs 16 9 In his heart a man plans his course,
but the Lord determines his steps.
Proverbs 19 21 Many are the plans in a man’s heart,
but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails
These scriptures really spoke to me about the recent events that have taken place in my life. To be honest before June 7, 2012 I had made some plans that I was very excited about. All my kids had graduated from high school and were starting their lives as young adults. I felt it was the perfect time for me to pursue my dreams of becoming a public speaker and publishing my book. I was stepping out into my life as an empty nester. My marriage had been struggling for years and on Memorial Day I had made the decision to divorce after being separated for almost a year. I spent Memorial Day with my kids swimming and cooking out. As the day came to an end I told them I was going to go talk to their father about getting a divorce. They understood but were sad, Alexis was upset and wanted me to wait because she just hated to see her dad sad but I felt it was the right time. Saddened by the end of my 26 year marriage but excited to embrace what the future held I drove to Wylie to talk to my husband . It was a hard conversation but the kids arrived shortly after and we talked as a family, then I left. It took a lot for me to make that decision but I felt it was what I needed to do. Change is frightening but I gathered my courage and was stepping out into the unknown.
Then on June 7th we lost our Alexis and our worlds were turned upside down. We came together as a family. There were so many decisions to make and we were all in such pain but it was clear everyone was looking to me for strength. Since I had gotten out of prison and proven to my kids that I could be trusted and would stay sober they looked to me for guidance . I was their rock so I had to stay strong. Much time was spent in prayer alone and with friends because I knew where my strength came from and I needed to hear from God what I was to do. I listened, I heard, and I obeyed : I needed to move back to Wylie and raise Riley. We filed for custody of Riley and during that process God placed it upon my heart to adopt her. Warner and I decided to start that process which we are now in the middle of.
This was not part of the plan that I had for my life in the last year but it was part of God’s plan. At times I am struggling as I look at my life and what is ahead. The divorce is off the table because we want to raise Riley together in unity. My husband and I are committed to make this work. There are still issues but I can’t dwell on those. I must accept the things I cannot change and change the things that I can. I can only work on me. At some point during this time God increased my love for Riley. She needs stability after losing her mother, she needs us both as well as Hailey and Sammy. One remarkable aspect of Alexis’ death is how we have come together. So many times with the loss of a child a family becomes fractured and self- destructive but thus far we have pulled together working toward what is best for Riley. Hailey and Sammy want to honor Alexis through their love for Riley. A lot of that has to do with Riley and our love for her and Alexis. Plus God is the leader of my life and I am leaning on him , depending on him to guide me .
I’m not going to lie though , this new life is somewhat difficult to wrap my head around at times but God has led me into it and softened my heart. Last April I was with some friends who have a ten year old son and I remember thinking I couldn’t even imagine raising a ten year old but now I have a four year old to raise. She is in pre-school and now has 13 more years of school !! At times I am overwhelmed. My job in new homes sales has late hours , something I need to think about while raising a 4 year old. But it is my job and has been for the last 6 years. Questions like “ can I do this?” invade my thoughts constantly bringing worry and concern to the surface of my mind but then I stop and REMEMBER God is in control of it all . He will make a way and he will also make a way for me to reach the dreams he planted in my heart. I KNOW it will come to pass, I just don’t know how . What I do know is it isn’t going to happen the way that I thought it was. But what I believe is it's going to come to pass in a much better way than I can even imagine and I can’t wait to see what he has in store for our lives. I just need to relax and trust him not trying to figure it all out. He will take care of ALL of us and it will all be okay .
And as I watch my little angel , who captured my heart from the second she was born, dance and sing a song of love to her MOMMY in Heaven, I know I am exactly where I’m supposed to be and that this is now the plan for my life. A plan I will embrace with all that is within me and be thankful to God for choosing me for Riley.
Isaiah 55:8-9
New International Version (NIV)
8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts